A Battle of the Wills

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” – Romans 7:15-25

I have been reading through the book of Romans and read chapter seven this morning. Verses 15-25 made my heart ache and this flood of tears pouring down my face came out of nowhere. I have memorized and read this passage many times and realize it’s true about me, but never felt it more acutely than I did this morning. I thought back to what seemed like 1,000 moments  yesterday when I was so aware of my brattiness and pride, yet it seemed like a losing battle. I was repulsed by what I saw in myself – shame filled me. But even the shame I felt yesterday was mixed with selfishness. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Today, as I wept, I mourned and then praised the Lord for his amazing grace and longsuffering love towards a wretch like me, and the fact that I have others (especially Chris yesterday) who demonstrate and show a grace that reflects God’s towards me – whether it comes gently or as a rebuke. May I seek, by His grace and Holy Spirit, to love and forgive others as He already has when He died for me.

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2 thoughts on “A Battle of the Wills

  1. It is so humbling but beautiful when the Lord uses words we’ve read so many times to convict and strengthen us. He is so merciful, longsuffering and gentle with us. But he is making you more like him, dear friend, and that is a beautiful thing.

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